Parody Two: The $10 Walmart Thanksgiving Dinner (The New American Feast)

Parody Two: The $10 Walmart Thanksgiving Dinner (The New American Feast)

Because if inflation won’t get you… the substitutions will.

Look, everyone’s yelling about “Thanksgiving dinner prices” right now — politicians, cable news, that one guy on TikTok who somehow has charts but no job — and Walmart decides to drop the mic and say:

“Our Thanksgiving basket is $5 cheaper this year!”

Yeah? Because have you SEEN what’s in it?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The New American Thanksgiving Dinner™ — now just $10, because everything traditional has been… reimagined.

🍖 1. The Turkey

Old: 16 lb frozen turkey — $24.99

New: One heroic can of SPAM — $3.48

“Roast it. Slice it. Pretend it’s poultry.”

Pairs wonderfully with denial.

🍚 2. The Mashed Potatoes

Old: 5 lb bag of potatoes — $2.97 + butter + milk

New: One bag of Great Value White Rice — $1.12

Add water. Stir. Cry. Perfect!

🍦 3. The Cranberry Sauce

Old: Ocean Spray — $2.48

New: A single cup of generic strawberry yogurt — $0.62

Color: similar

Texture: close enough

Emotional impact: devastating

🌱 4. The Bread Rolls

Old: King’s Hawaiian — $4.48

New: A bargain-bin bag of soybean pellets — $1.00

“High protein,” they say.

“Not edible,” your soul replies.

🥧 5. The Pie

Old: Pumpkin pie — $5.98

New: Walmart looked you in the eye and said…

“Dessert is a luxury. Move on.”

Pie Cost: $0.00 (and so are your expectations)

✅

Total: $10.22

Close enough. The economists will round down.

✨ The Commercial You’ll Never See

“Introducing the 2024 Walmart Budget Basket™ —

because inflation might be cooling,

but your Thanksgiving spirit is ROOM TEMPERATURE.”

And the best part?

Politicians on TV will say,

“See? Thanksgiving is cheaper than ever!”

Corporate America will say,

“You’re welcome.”

And the rest of us?

We’re sitting at the table whispering,

“Why does my turkey taste like breakfast meat and shame?”